Today I am in this hugely contemplative mood......so much so that I am taking time away from cleaning and putting away clothes to write whats on my mind, before all of it is gone.....perhaps its because its a holiday weekend and I have had all the time in the world to think since Wednesday morning, perhaps it's because I have seen a max of 3 people in the last 4 days, and perhaps it's because more time alone, and more time sleeping than is my normal quota. Regardless.....it's thanksgiving time, and it will soon be Christmas break (3 weeks!!), and while I cannot wait to go home, I am also realizing how quickly time here is going....and it leaves me feeling weirdly contemplative and kind of sad....so here is a glimpse into the ramblings of my brain....


sometimes i feel like I live 2 or 3 completely separate lives...and its a strange feeling 


The last several weeks, I feel like I have only been doing enough to get by, and to keep on living, I haven't spent much time with friends, other than my roommates, and even that has been limited. My life has been so consumed by homework, and class, and internship, and work, and trying to get enough sleep, that I feel like everything is slipping through my fingers like sand, and I can't seem to be able to grab a hold of anything. I am realizing that I haven't taken enough pictures, I haven't taken in enough chapel or class, I haven't given enough hugs, I haven't stepped outside of my box enough, and its almost to late for any of that to be done. I am realizing that many of these moments here, will be many last moments and it makes me sad. I have loved going to school here at APU, and I have loved living on the west coast, and I have loved living close to LA. But I don't feel like I have taken advantage of those things like I should have and lived up those experiences like I wish I did. Often I find myself in a place of complaining about the ever abundant homework, and the professor I don't like, and the weather that's too cold, and the friends I never have time for and the home that I miss. But in reality I am quickly realizing that those things are so quickly slipping through my fingers and this all is a once in a lifetime experience and what I am going to do with it in the short time that God has granted it to me, complain or rejoice??? And maybe this feeling is in part, due to the fact that instead of having 4 years here, I have only had 2. While I don't regret going to community college for 2 years and having that paid off, however, I wish that i could have had this experience for 4 years. But what I have is the next 6 months.....


Sometimes I wish I could live here for many more years, and to continue in this life that I have been living. But I think more than anything, its because it's comfortable to me and anything else will be new and scary and NOT comfortable. Anyone who knows me well, knows that I hate change, unless of course I make the change and I am comfortable with it. So now that I am in my senior year with one semester almost done and only 1 more to follow....here comes change, whether I like it or not, and there is nothing I can do about it. I think my mom is probably right, I would stay in school forever because I like school, and because it would mean that I don't have to face life. But it's time for me to face the change, I can't stop it from coming, it will march steadily towards me, while I march towards it in only 160 days to the tune of Pomp and Circumstance. So instead of being sad, that I will have to leave this beautiful place, what will I do with the moments that I have left, and the time that I have left, and the once in a lifetime friends that God has granted me. What will I do that will bring glory to the One who has for now, given me this. I must seize those moments that come my way and I must jump on the opportunities, since they might just be my last. 


In no way, take this to mean that I don't want to graduate, I DO!!! After 4 years of school, I can't believe that its all coming true and that I will granted a Bachelors Degree in Social Work. I can't wait for that day May 7th, 2011!!!! But I am just realizing that I don't want to be so wrapped up in that day, and in the afterwards, that I miss all the beautiful pictures that God has yet to place before me. I think many of us seniors, would outwardly say that we can't wait until graduation, but inside we groan at the thought of having to leave what we love, and missing out on a life that has been good to us, and having to face reality for the first time in our lives....or maybe it's just me, who has these random thoughts. Regardless I am excited about the prospect of getting my Masters in Social Work and going to Grad school, at a place that only God knows where. I am excited about pursuing internships after that graduation, and working in a third world country, doing relief and development work, just like my dream has always been. And I am hopeful about pursuing photography that I can then use as a means of advocating for people, and children, and families, and communities, and villages, and countries, and nations that the world will finally sit up and take notice of these people. That's my dream, and I can't wait to pursue that. I can't wait for the day when I don't have homework, when my weekends are truly my weekends, when sleep is something that happens regularly, when holiday breaks get to be holiday breaks and not homework sessions, when a place to live is truly mine without a lot of rules and stipulations, when I get to own a dog, when life is not easier or grander or better or worse, its just simply......different. 


So can I be happy and sad, contemplative and excited all at once......I think I can.....Happy for what life is and where I am at, sad to be leaving this wonderful place, contemplative of lost and unclaimed and yet to come moments, and excited for all that God has in store for me, and the places I will go, and the things I will see. In 160 days, I know that I will be walking down an isle with all of my fellow graduates, but on day 161 I have no clue where life will take me. Will I stay here for another year for grad school, or will I be moving on from here. Where will grad school be? Only God knows where. Will it be New York City, or Los Angeles, Boston, or North Carolina, Cleveland or Cincinnati, Florida or Georgia, St. Louis or Chicago, Texas or Arizona. The options are plentiful and only God knows where...


If any of that makes any sense maybe now you will understand why sometimes I feel like I am living 2 or 3 completely different lives, and I am happy and I am sad all at the same time. What did I get from this? I will be excited for the future, loving the life I now life, thankful for opportunities that come my way, rejoicing in the small things, and not taking for granted all that God has, for now, given to me!! And now its back to cleaning and putting away clothes before all of the roommates come home!!